17 years

17 years later, the pain is still raw like a fresh wound from yesterday.
Today, I’m stopping my world, the way I always do on the day my world ended when her heart stopped beating. Right now, it’s raining exceptionally hard outside my window.

Every single year, the memory of that day replays in my mind. Things that were said, things that were done, people who were there, people who flew in. Every single detail.

The walk down that corridor in the hospital, the wailing I heard from the other end, the people who stood outside the ward, the last time I held her hand, the disbelief that she’s no longer breathing, the disappointment for not being able to sing her a song to make her better and the hatred for people who wouldn’t stop reminding me that she’s never coming home again and that she’s gone forever.

I miss you mommy. It only gets harder each year.

In loving memory of Juliana Lianto (1954 – 1992)

invisible tonsils are still kissing

It’s always bothered me the way I get tonsillitis every couple of months, especially after I’ve removed them years ago when the doctors found my tonsils kissing like a couple of hormone raging teenaged girls. I kid you not, my tonsillitis was diagnosed as ‘kissing tonsils’.

It’s highly depressing and unattractive to have spent the past 5 days running a sporadic fever and coughing like an old man from a neighbourhood coffeeshop with flailing lungs threatening to leap out of my mouth each time I cough. Blech. My pound puppy and I agree that going to a club in mid-recovery was alright but staying on till it closed was not a wise move.

One good thing though. The scratchy throat has allowed me to do a VO as a sexy reporter for a film. *winks*

I have been drinking gallons and gallons of water, popping pill after pill but nothing seems to be doing the trick. My depressing thoughts of turning 30 have been put on hold but that void only gave way to even more depressing thoughts of my overworked kidneys. I’m quite sure I won’t be too fond of dialysis.

And oh, it’s raining. As much as I adore rain, thunders scare me.
I need a hug.

na ge white dog

I’ve been meaning to write this but never got round to it ‘cos I’ve been ridiculously distracted lately. There’s too much going on… The mind is finding it exceptionally hard to stay focused.

I’ve never been good with death, other people’s loss. Whenever someone I care about loses a loved one to death, I kinda just slump back and hide knowing that words fail and all that I might attempt to make them feel better would be pointless. I feel helpless knowing that I won’t be able to disencumber the immense pain of a friend.

Here’s to a dog who left his teeth marks on me the first time we met, endearingly so. Behind his defensive growls and bites is a really adorable white dog who dons his royal blue outfit proudly with bling to match.

Rest in peace Rudie.

Picture courtesy of na ge ron.

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